KIT KELLER, FOUR

Total Envy Person, right? Her jealousy over her sister Dottie is eating her alive. Credit to the actors for nailing their characters so perfectly that narrowing the Enneagram choices is easy.

Two, Three, or Four? Obviously I jump right to Four because Kit seems consumed with emotion, but let’s dig deeper.

Kit is athletic, yet not a Body Type. Next to Dottie Kit is average, but compared to everyone not Dottie, Kit is cream of the crop. She excels. Possibly a Three.

She second guesses herself, though, and lets Dottie live in her head. Her doubt seems very un-Three.

She’s open with the other players. Everyone likes her. I’m going to say no to a Two, though. Evelyn, mother of Stillwell Angel and instigator of one of the greatest lines in film — “There’s no crying in baseball” — seems like the team’s Two.

So, we’re back to Four. Kit is up and down. Her determination to battle, even though she feels defeated, is Four-like. And the Four/Nine dynamic, with Dottie as the partner Nine, is on steroids here. Everything one number refuses to feel, the other number displays. That mix of deep connection and painful codependency makes for a very compelling sister story.

ASH, FOUR

So, does Ash have an Enneagram, or is he just a Robot? And is the reworking of the Robot into Bishop in the second Alien movie a reflection of an Ash character, or just a clever trope undermine?

He’s a synthetic life form. In some ways, asking if Ash has an Enneagram is like asking if the propulsion system has one. He is programmed to follow orders and he doesn’t deviate.

Is his sneakiness a character trait or just part of his mission? This is a horror movie, ultimately, and Ian Holm must give us the squeaks in the seats. His menace goes with the genre.

He seems awfully protective of his mission, though. He seems to relish his special access to Mother, as if he’s more important than the others.

He’s an Envy person!

His camaraderie is false, which we only learn later. These traits are not necessary for a Robot. Ash could have done his job with a much blander personality.

Relish. What a great word for him. Yes, he’s a science machine studying the xenomorph, but his true job is as a Company Man. If a character seems like one archetype yet evolves into another, you have an Enneagram, baby.

Not a Two. He inflicts pain with no remorse. Not a Three. If he were, the science and discovery — his actual job — would sway him more. He’s here for the drama. Four.

ELAINE BENES, FOUR

Another envy type in the Seinfeld pantheon. Except for Jerry, they’re all Heart Types! Very interesting.

If that’s so, is Elaine’s Enneagram number a Two, Three, or Four?

Not a Three. Heh. Definitely not. She’s a train wreck. No Three would be so incompetent, so constantly humiliated by life.

Not a Two. She’s not charitable enough. Again, it’s quite funny. Like George, she’s locked into a bit of a “worst trait” syndrome in service to the humor.

So, a Four. She does feel the highs and lows. She does have a moderately successful career, but not overwhelmingly so. Her relationship with Jerry is solidly now in the friend zone but it didn’t start that way. It’s interesting and ironic that a Nine (Jerry) seeking a companion would start with the female Four and end up at the male Four (George). It’s very Nine-ish for Jerry to choose the Four with the lesser impact on his own feelings and expression.

The actors have done a good job at differentiating the dueling Fours in the show, but sometimes Elaine feels like a duplicate. Socially, she operates at a much higher level than George. She’s functional. Still, though, like George she’s challenged by romance, work, and socially appropriate behavior. My favorite storyline for her is the time she worked for J. Peterman. When she wrote catalog copy for the odd items, she followed a plot that could only belong to Elaine.

GEORGE COSTANZA, FOUR

Drama, envy, lies. George swims in the worst traits of whatever his Enneagram number may be. He’s an exaggeration in service to humor, but we still should be able to pinpoint him.

Everything about him screams Heart Type. The envy, which no real life person would exhibit in such detail, defines him. So, Two, Three, or Four?

He’s no Two. He’s not nice enough, frankly. The world is an aggravation to him, not a treasure to unlock.

A Three? He’s an anti-Three, a Bizarro Three, which may, hilariously, be the point. He succeeds at nothing. He’s disliked by almost everyone. He fails so often that he lives in total bitterness. Yet, as a humorous character, he’s adored. He’s a meme king. Is it possible to create an opposite Enneagram? Fascinating.

However, a Four seems most likely. The drama. The highs and lows. George lives at the extremes. The actor works against this. He is not tall and lean, so his real life body doesn’t suggest a Man Four.

I also like George as a Four if Jerry is a Nine. A Nine loves to have a Four around to exhibit all the feelings that a Nine won’t show.

But, man, I’m tempted by that Three call.

WILLIE SCOTT, FOUR

Does the second Indiana Jones companion warrant an Enneagram number? She follows Marion Ravenwood, which is unfortunate for her, but she’s given a distinctive character by Kate Capshaw. I actually liked her on first viewing in the movie theater.

She’s dramatic. A Four? Creepy-crawly bugs get a BIG REACTION. (They would from me, too, and I’m no Four.) But her constant, wonderful lament, “Innnndy!” seems Heart Type-ish. “I broke a nail,” something any Type could feel, still seems Heart. Big Feelz, high and low, are her sweet spot.

You know, I’m not going to look any further. Willie just reads like such a Four.

And this is why Willie doesn’t work. Marion has set the standard for Jones companions. An Eight’s aggression and practicality will win out when compared with a Four’s emotion and — well, believability. Willie acts much more like a real companion would than Marion does. Like most of us, she’s not very heroic. Marion Ravenwood, Eight, is a consummate heroine.

In real life a Nine like Indy is much more likely to choose a Four than an Eight. Here in the movies it’s all backwards. Willie’s movie is most people’s least favorite. That’s a shame! She deserves better.

WILL TURNER, FOUR

Will’s a pirate, much to his surprise. At the end of the first PotC movie he gets the girl and embarks on a life of — not crime, necessarily, but not respectable living. He was a craftsman’s apprentice at the beginning. That would’ve been his life’s profession. Not very glamorous, not likely to marry the higher-status Elizabeth.

If I were to guess Will’s Enneagram number based only on the first film in the series, I’m not sure what I would pick. He’s a rule-follower thrown into chaos, and he survives.

However, if you think about it, that’s his story throughout the trilogy, with incredible survival consequences at the end of it all. What does that tell us?

Not many numbers would have the grit necessary to run the Flying Dutchman. Sixes, yes, if the swordplay were less able. Their sense of duty would carry them through. Fours, possibly, because of the powerful heart connection. Ones, yes. Their organizational skills can drive them through anything.

Heart or Body Type?

Will at the end of the trilogy is the best Will. He’s masculine and heroic. Prior to that he’s a bit whiny and secondary. A One is never whiny. They’re too competent and witty to descend into self-pity.

His life is a drama, a roller coaster. His loyalty is unswerving. His trials make him stronger.

Four.

RON WEASLEY, FOUR?

This one’s going to take a process of elimination.

Ron is an Envy person. Harry’s success poisons their friendship for a while. Anyone who feels so strongly that they covet against character is a Heart Type. In case you doubt, we also know Ron’s no Body Type. Although he loves quidditch and wants to be good at it, his performance is mixed. Also, he may like the strategy of wizard’s chess, but delving into the thinking of things as a Head Type would is not his strong suit.

This means Ron is a Two, Three, or Four.

Well, he’s clearly not a Three! To others the life of a Three can seem charmed. Ron’s the opposite. He seems cursed. If a Three got sent the moth-balled dress robes they’d turn it into a fashion statement and everyone else would want the same. Shame is really not in the Three wheelhouse.

Is he a Four? A Four can be tormented with the depth of their feelings, which Ron indeed is. However, Four Men are also extremely witty. It’s like they’ve drunk a truth bomb. They are so cutting, and yet fun. Ron, again, this is not.

That leaves a Two. Is Ron a Two? Whoa. Hard call. Two Men are very giving and sweet-natured. They are vulnerable to abuse because they’re so kind. They also tend to accumulate hobbies and the gear that goes with it. A Two Man is a tinkerer. That doesn’t particularly sound like Ron, either.

I’m going to go with Four, even though it’s not a perfect match. It’s the wildly swinging emotions that decide it for me.

Or, Rowling did not nail his character as thoroughly as she did with the others, and he’s really no number at all.

ANNE SHIRLEY, FOUR

Maybe I’m being too hasty, but doesn’t Anne of Green Gables seem like she must be an Enneagram Four?

She feels everything so very deeply. Drama, glory, beauty, vengeance — they’re all peak emotions for her. Gilbert teases her, and she’ll never forgive him. Diana is her friend, but they must be inseparable bosom buddies. If Marilla and Matthew don’t keep her, she’ll absolutely die. The color of her hair is a lifelong sorrow.

Also, she has the resigned Four way of dealing with pain. Her prior foster family is abusive and cruel. Anne knows this, yet when she talks about them she speaks matter-of-factly. While most of us cherish the highs and disdain the lows, Fours know life is a 50/50 prospect. Tragedy happens. Don’t make more of it than it deserves.

Anne is actually a great Four. Her envy-driven competitiveness at school leads her to outstanding accomplishments. Her stubborn attachment to feelings leads to Matthew’s loyalty and Marilla’s agreement to keep Anne, even though it goes against everything she’d planned. And Anne’s mishaps, which make for engaging storytelling, arise from weaknesses that can become her strengths.

Makes me want to re-read something I haven’t visited in decades.